#iwokeuplikedih
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khafraco:

The Moon Ring.  Shop for it here.
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"I am acutely aware that whatever I make is in constant dialogue with what has been made before." — #amaryllisdejesusmoleski
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#mine — “High Res Documentation of a Ghosting” — medium: gouache. watercolor. graphite. seance. on archivable paper
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Excuse me while I flood your timeline with the beauty that was today … 🙈 … #myboowithmyboos #amaryllisdejesusmoleski
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This happened today. Yup @missammo. Just sit with that. #amaryllisdejesusmoleski
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Me. Every day. In my head.
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myowngirlfriend:

I was talking to a friend yesterday about … well … what I’m always talking about: love and life.
Something stuck with me long after the conversation.  In a state of despair/frustration/overwhelming sadness, she texted:

I’m still wrapping my head around the loving me concept. I’ve always [wanted for love] so I guess I’ve nvr loved myself enough since I was a child. That makes me very angry n resentful towards life. How could I control that? How did that happen? It’s fucking with my mind. Not my current situation but how my life has been since I was a child. … Why couldn’t I have always cared about me first? What makes a person unconsciously do that from childhood. I don’t understand how I stopped caring for myself or maybe I nvr did [care]. I just thought wanting to be loved was ok. … I feel like wanting ppl to care for me how I care for them does mean I care ab me n love me but I guess not since I’m seeking it outwardly. It’s confusing to me. I get the theory but at the same time I don’t. It feels flawed. I’m just wondering when I lost that love for myself. I lived so many years never knowing I ddnt have it. How do u prevent something u dnt even know is happening? N now I know so I can change but what happened then is very important to me bc I dnt know how I came to not love myself enough.

I should say that it feels almost unfair (read: I feel unworthy) that someone trusts me to provide any answers to questions so real and sacred … but this is what friendship is, isn’t it?  We make bonds with people we believe in; we let them share in the most dark and bright moments of our lives, assuming they’re doing the same.  We trust.  Hoping they will do us no harm.
The point is: I completely understand my friend’s questions.  Because really, unless we were endowed with supremely fantastic parents, no one comes from the womb into this world with a manual for self-love. 
What would that even look like?  Well, actually, I have a few ideas, but I’ll save that for another blog.
We’re born.  And  from that day on, we are slowly introduced to the concept of pain.  Our parents teach us how to avoid certain physical pains, but rarely introduce us to the ideas of psychic or emotional pain.
We’re taught to avoid the hot stove … buuuut we know that it can, under the right circumstances provide us with nourishment and satisfy some cravings.  We’re taught to avoid heights then later taught that we have the ability to jump, and with the right tools, fly.  Our parents first shoo us away from running or standing water, but as we grow, we find joy, and sport, and healing, in pools, lakes, oceans, etc.
We learn that most sources of joy come with at least a small form of danger.  And as we grow, we feel better able to engage with and endure these dangers in order to experience the joy.
This is the what life teaches us: endurance and trial and error.
Endurance.  Trial.  And Error.
Can you see how none of these words sound like they’re at all related to genuine freedom in love?  Because they’re not.
What my friend was trying to express was the overwhelming feeling of years of pain.  Years of endurance.  Years of trial.  Years of what feels like error.  Out of those years spills resentment; toward ourselves, but mostly toward those who were supposed to guide and protect us.
And that’s understandable.  Disappointment hurts. Being treated like shit by people time after time because you don’t know that you can say no - or because you don’t know how or when to say no - hurts.  Seeking joy and finding pain hurts.  
And this pain puts us on the run - to or from potentially dangerous people or habits, with very little thought involved other than: “I need … or I want …”

(lyric … trust me they’re worth it)

And pain is tricky.
Because pain (an unpleasant feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli, such as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, putting alcohol on a cut … losing a friend, arguing with a parent, being betrayed, being let down by someone whom you’ve invested a great deal of your light and breath …) usually motivates us to withdraw from damaging situations, to protect a damaged body part while it heals, and to avoid similar experiences in the future.  Or at least this is what the physical pain that we learned as children does.  
But emotional pain and psychic pain often sends you searching for a healer when you’re not prepared to heal yourself.
And the trickier part about pain is that even though most of it disappears once the painful stimulus is removed and the body has healed, sometimes pain persists despite removal of the stimulus and apparent healing; sometimes pain arises in the absence of any detectable stimulus, damage or disease.
I’m sure we’re all wondering how I got here when we were supposed to be talking about how we are supposed to be safe as human beings without ever actually learning the concept of self love.  
So follow me.
Here’s the thing: You know how people are always saying that the opposite of love is indifference?  Indifference being a lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.  
Then self-love, as a concept we grow into, is really just a heightened sense of interest, concern, and empathy towards and for our selves, as opposed to how we’ve been taught to love and care for others.  Self-love is a practice that (with consciousness) becomes a growing sense of affection and desire for ourselves … and ourselves, first.  
Self-love is a practice where we become sympathetic to and conscious of all of the ways in which we experience pain in life (not just physical).
Through self-love (because we’ve already established that certain pains can return with or without stimuli), we seek to heal ourselves and build boundaries and radical skills to ensure our own freedom and survival rather than avoiding what we have learned to fear.
And honestly, it doesn’t matter what has happened to us or how great the pain we have faced is because like Ms. Badu says:

A single person or event or circumstance can move one to change, to love herself, to evolve.

We just have to believe that we can heal.  We just have to believe that we deserve better.  So for practice …
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Today’s Mantra: I have felt pain but I am not pain.  I do not seek nor nurse nor harbor pain.  I am more than a sum of its residual effects.  I can and will and do evolve.
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A small prayer ushered up from me to the farthest corners of my universe,
<3 khoLi.
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So. Tomorrow though. @missammo, do go off, 🐩. #art #oakland #amaryllisdejesusmoleski
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myowngirlfriend:

"… And you’ve most likely been doing this since childhood because that’s how we learn as children … when u give something u get something in return.
But that’s not how people work … and in life … you’ve got to stop giving to get. Let someone love and give u something first and show u that they’re worth your time and heart.”

(click the pic to read the whole text)
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— my friends will tell you that B.Y.O.G. is a way of life. not just a blog. they get dropped knowledge whether they want it or not.
with <3,
khoLi.
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Oh, hey, Monday. 👋
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On that note … Good night. ✌️🌚
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